Those who know me best know how I use self-deprecating humor often as a way to escape the sadness I endure at the thought of my numerous faults. I make fun of my moles and eyebrows all the time, along with my Canadianism, because I know that if I don’t say it first there’ll just be somebody behind my back saying “yah you know Jared, he’s the kid with the moles and eyebrows from Canada.”
Well, it turns out I now have one less thing to make fun of. No, I did not get my moles removed (despite Alwyn’s attempt to destroy my self-esteem freshman year… here’s his photoshopped pic in case you forgot about it)
Those who have gotten closest to me over the years know of my struggle to fight a terrible disease known as Blepharitis. It essentially involves my eyes getting bloodshot and crusty when I wake up as a result of sleeping with my eyes open (not fully open, I’m not a creep…just sorta semi-peeking at all times). THAT’S why everyone always accused me of being a stoner growing up despite my avoidance of smoking. Frickin Blepharitis kept girls away who wanted to look me in the eyes, kept teachers away who wanted to trust that I wasn’t going to turn their exam papers into joints, and kept my friends amused when they needed something original to pick on me for.
The basic cure for blepharitis is rubbing baby shampoo on your eyes every morning. I’ve known that since I was 8, but I have always been too lazy to do it and never wanted to give in to The Man and take precautions for my own health (also the reason I will ever take lactase pills…f them). I accepted my disease and hoped one day it would just get bored or something.
Last week I woke up and realized that I have really beautiful blue eyes. How did I realize this? I could see them! My eyes weren’t bloodshot! And the crust was gone! I defeated Blepharitis without even trying!
If I learned anything from Blepharitis, it’s that The Man CAN be beat without any actual effort. If something upsets you and makes you feel down and out about yourself, just wait a couple of years and you may just wake up in the morning with clear eyes and borderline feminine-ly long lashes. And in the back of your head, you’ll forever have a reservoir of jokes about the cause of the crust being cumshots to the eye, and a supply of baby shampoo that will last a lifetime.